Parenting Tips: What To Do When You're Told, "You're not my Dad!

Q. "Five years ago, my son's father left. In the meantime I remarried, David, who is a fabulous man. He has tried his best to make friends with my son, Nathan. I handle all of the discipline. We've been married for three years now, and my son still won't do anything David asks of him. How can I persuade him to listen to his stepfather?".

A. Adults know that problems between spouses cause divorce and any lingering negativity. Children on the other hand, often blame themselves when their parents don't have a succeed at marriage. Nathan undoubtedly feels like his dad abandoned him and not you. Those feelings will be reinforced if his dad visits rarely or not at all. This leaves Nathan feeling guilty, angry, and abandoned. He may even be afraid that you will leave too.

Having another man in the house only intensifies the problems. Nathan now knows that his parents won't be getting back together. It also means that David is getting attention from you as well. When you were single, he had you all to himself. No wonder he feels terrible.

Nathan and David may have gotten along will before you were married. He was fun then and no threat since he was just Mum's boyfriend. Now he is an equal in the family and acts like he owns the house and has the same rights as everyone else.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.

Acknowledge Nathan's confusion, anger and resentment. Make it clear, also, that David is not taking Dad's place, and never will. It is all right for Nathan to love and miss his father - even if you don't! Try to remain matter-of-fact about the separation, and keep the children out of any ongoing battles that you are having with your ex.

Make it clear, also, that David is here because you love him and want him in the family. This does not mean that you love Nathan any less. Also, for Nathan to like David does not mean that he is being disloyal to Dad.

You have to tell Nathan that David does have parental authority over him now. Whatever he asks him to do, he must do it. Don't let Nathan come to you and try to discount anything David requires from him. If you don't like something David is doing, take it up with him privately. In public you have to back him up. Nathan has to be aware that you and David are a couple now and stand together in family decisions.

Article Source: http://publisherscloninghouse.com

Dr. Noel Swanson is the author of the highly acclaimed book on dealing with children's behavior problems: The GOOD CHILD Guide. More of his parenting articles are here. ~ai586
Click here for other unique parenting articles.

Please Rate this Article 5 out of 54 out of 53 out of 52 out of 51 out of 5  Not yet Rated

Click this Icon to Receive Kids Articles Via RSS!