Hilarious Jokes to Lighten Your Mood

People say some pretty funny things. Sometimes it is meticulously planned out by a comedian. Other times, it is our President mangling the English language. Either way, the following should make you crack up.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

2. Paul Ehrlich - To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

3. Steven Wright - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

4. Henny Youngman - A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

5. Dave Attell - Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people the cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

6. Steven Wright - I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

7. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

8. George Bush - The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.

9. Jay Leno - Researchers have found that oral sex among teenagers has doubled in the last ten years. So who says there is no lasting Clinton legacy.

10. Rodney Dangerfield - I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

11. Steven Wright - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. Steven Wright - If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

13. George Bush - To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say: You, too, can be president of the United States.

14. Rodney Dangerfield - I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

15. Steven Wright - Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Life can be serious, but don’t put too much stock in the pressures of the moment. Tomorrow is a new day and somewhere, somehow, someone will say something hilarious.

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